Stupid, stupid humans
I was walking around outside today, and it was raining. As I got more and more soggy, I started looking around at all the happy pedestrians, with their nice umbrellas. And I got to thinking. And I did a little research about our friend, the umbrella. My results may shock you.
So I’m going to save them for a few minutes. And we’ll kind of ease into the whole umbrella thing, with some animal trivia.
Some species of birds have been known to use tools.
Chimpanzees use tools.
I bet mountain gorillas do too, but I’m not totally positive. I was going to do some online research, but I don’t really want to do a search for “gorilla tool”.
Otters use rocks to break open clams and mussels. (On a related note, otters eat 20% of their bodyweight every day…a fact that has earned these plucky sea-mammals the nickname “Inlet Pigs.”)
Even some types of crabs can be said to make use of tools…and you don’t exactly run into them playing chess (by themselves) at the nearest MENSA meeting. (Hey, did you hear what happened to the poor woman who had sex with that filthy old prospector who lives by himself in a shack up on the mountain? She got hermit crabs.)
Our own species, humans, has been using tools for about 2.5 million years. To give you an idea of how long that is, imagine sitting through the extended DVD version of “Fat Albert”. Now imagine having to watch it again.That gives you an idea of how long 2.5 million years is.
So, for a very, very long time, we have been theoretically capable of making and using rudimentary objects to better our lives.
And yet, we didn’t develop any sort of umbrella until 4,000 years ago, when the Ancient Egyptians finally figured the thing out.
Now, hold on. You’re thinking, “hey, 4,000 years ago. That’s pretty good.”
It’s not pretty good at all. It’s pathetic. Now, I don’t want to cast doubt on the intelligence of our ancestors, especially the Ancient Egyptians. I love what they did with lapis-lazuli. And Hieroglyphics are neat. (I wanted to spell out “neat” in Egyptian Hieroglyphics, but I can’t seem to find that font).
But the fact remains, for the first 2,496,000 years of tool-using human existence, nobody ever thought: “It rains, and it would be nice to have a little device to keep the rain from soaking my tunic.”
I’m not saying they should have invented a retractable aluminum shaft, with a nylon covering and a handle with fold out tooth-pick, flashlight and little scissors. No, I’m just thinking some kind of rudimentary wood and cloth contraption.
I imagine the conversation between the the person who finally put together the first umbrella, and his buddy, went something like this.
TUT: What’s that?
RAMSES: It’s an umbrella. I use it to keep the rain off my tunic.
TUT: It hasn’t rained since Exodus.
RAMSES: Well, the umbrella can keep the sun off too. But if you use it for that purpose, I’d like you to call it a parasol.
TUT: That’s actually pretty cool. I’ve just been holding a big piece of lapis-lazuli over my head. But it’s really quite heavy.
RAMSES: See here, there’s a little pair of scissors that folds out from the handle. You can use it to cut up your marijuana.
TUT: That’s great. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you. I want to have sex with my wife, but I’m sick of having kids. Can you invent some sort of sheath to put on my penis?
RAMSES: Come with me back to my pyramid. I have some extra sheep’s intestine lying around.
So I’m going to save them for a few minutes. And we’ll kind of ease into the whole umbrella thing, with some animal trivia.
Some species of birds have been known to use tools.
Chimpanzees use tools.
I bet mountain gorillas do too, but I’m not totally positive. I was going to do some online research, but I don’t really want to do a search for “gorilla tool”.
Otters use rocks to break open clams and mussels. (On a related note, otters eat 20% of their bodyweight every day…a fact that has earned these plucky sea-mammals the nickname “Inlet Pigs.”)
Even some types of crabs can be said to make use of tools…and you don’t exactly run into them playing chess (by themselves) at the nearest MENSA meeting. (Hey, did you hear what happened to the poor woman who had sex with that filthy old prospector who lives by himself in a shack up on the mountain? She got hermit crabs.)
Our own species, humans, has been using tools for about 2.5 million years. To give you an idea of how long that is, imagine sitting through the extended DVD version of “Fat Albert”. Now imagine having to watch it again.That gives you an idea of how long 2.5 million years is.
So, for a very, very long time, we have been theoretically capable of making and using rudimentary objects to better our lives.
And yet, we didn’t develop any sort of umbrella until 4,000 years ago, when the Ancient Egyptians finally figured the thing out.
Now, hold on. You’re thinking, “hey, 4,000 years ago. That’s pretty good.”
It’s not pretty good at all. It’s pathetic. Now, I don’t want to cast doubt on the intelligence of our ancestors, especially the Ancient Egyptians. I love what they did with lapis-lazuli. And Hieroglyphics are neat. (I wanted to spell out “neat” in Egyptian Hieroglyphics, but I can’t seem to find that font).
But the fact remains, for the first 2,496,000 years of tool-using human existence, nobody ever thought: “It rains, and it would be nice to have a little device to keep the rain from soaking my tunic.”
I’m not saying they should have invented a retractable aluminum shaft, with a nylon covering and a handle with fold out tooth-pick, flashlight and little scissors. No, I’m just thinking some kind of rudimentary wood and cloth contraption.
I imagine the conversation between the the person who finally put together the first umbrella, and his buddy, went something like this.
TUT: What’s that?
RAMSES: It’s an umbrella. I use it to keep the rain off my tunic.
TUT: It hasn’t rained since Exodus.
RAMSES: Well, the umbrella can keep the sun off too. But if you use it for that purpose, I’d like you to call it a parasol.
TUT: That’s actually pretty cool. I’ve just been holding a big piece of lapis-lazuli over my head. But it’s really quite heavy.
RAMSES: See here, there’s a little pair of scissors that folds out from the handle. You can use it to cut up your marijuana.
TUT: That’s great. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you. I want to have sex with my wife, but I’m sick of having kids. Can you invent some sort of sheath to put on my penis?
RAMSES: Come with me back to my pyramid. I have some extra sheep’s intestine lying around.
posted by Baco-Vegetarian at 3:42 PM
1 Comments:
I hate umbrellas. Most people don't know how to use them, and I dread rainy days because it means dodging morons whose sole intent is to make shish kebabs out of my eyeballs. Just buy a good hat, you silly fuckers!
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